Welcoming Your College Student Home
By Lesley Cross, MA, LPCC-S
For parents welcoming home college students for the holidays, this is an exciting time! Parents have missed students and are eager to welcome them back home for the first extended time since they left for college.
This can also be a stressful time for students and parents alike. During these last four months, things have changed. The former high-school graduate has become more adult and fully established as a college student. Parental life has adjusted to less children at home or maybe an empty nest dynamic. Re-entry to home life may feel awkward to all parties and requires patience and awareness that both the old and new norms have shifted.
Re-Entry Realities
First off, the student has been gone for months. They’ve had near-full independence—schedule, curfew, expectations, and day-to-day living. Returning home to parental rules, schedules, and expectations takes adjustment.
Students may be sad to leave the new friends they’ve made at school or anxious about returning to high-school friends who have also formed new friendships elsewhere. For those dating, the first “long break” from a new partner can be stressful. And for those who maintained relationships long distance with high school partners, a breakup during the semester, the realities of how each may have changed or the altered connection awareness after the semester can be upsetting and tricky to navigate.
While parents are mostly thrilled to have them home, it’s important to limit pampering the students. There is a difference between “my baby is home” and babying them. They’ve been on their own for months—celebrate their independence and let that continue! However, parents also need to feel comfortable and safe in their own home with expectations and boundaries. Pick your battles and decide what is most important to you versus what can be let go. Will there be a curfew? What are drinking expectations and limits? Family involvement? Helping with household chores? Discuss such expectations early to eliminate negative emotions around inaccurate assumptions.
Students returning home to younger siblings may be surprised at how their siblings have changed, how the family dynamic has shifted without them, and why a sibling might be resistant to the student coming home and changing their routine that has become their norm sans older brother or sister. Be proactive in talking about these adjustments with all household members and understand there will be an adjustment period of learning to live together again.
Sleepy Students
While happy they’re home, parents also have to realize that students are likely exhausted. They’ve been running hard at school and likely not getting nearly enough sleep. The University of Alabama Health Sciences Department reports that 60% of college students receive insufficient sleep while at school. They may crave sleeping at home without a roommate, without the distractions and noises of dorms or the ability to rest without the expectation of early morning class, practice or fighting for community showers.
Let them catch up, decompress, and recalibrate to the winter break. As excited as parents are to have them home, it’s important not to overschedule their weeks. They not only need space to sleep and physically rest, but also need time to focus on their mental health, physical outlets, and downtime to relax and regroup before the next semester picks up.
With all the student is doing (maybe away from the parents) comes the challenge of not bombarding them with all the questions. While they may have told you everything has been great, there may have been challenges they’re scared to share out of fear of disappointment or embarrassment. Or the opposite—maybe it has been a really hard semester in which they’ve made choices you’re unhappy with, and they’re nervous to return knowing these realities of your emotions and unmet standards. Additionally, comparisons with friends who seem to be having “better” experiences can also weigh on them.
To grow conversation and relationships in a more casual way, consider asking open-ended questions throughout their stay (not all at once!) that don’t carry the judgment or pressure that something like “How are your grades?” might. Ideas such as the following can be sprinkled through the holiday breaks:
Who is the funniest, nicest, grossest, loudest (etc.) person on your hall? Tell me all the details!
Which professor made class fun to attend?
Did you miss anything about home you were surprised to miss?
Who from college do you wish I could meet? Who are you glad I can’t meet?
Tell me something you’re proud of yourself for this semester.
What’s something you handled on your own this semester that you’re proud of?
Are there any friendships you are surprised to have made? What makes it work?
Did you find any routines or habits that really worked for you at school?
What’s your favorite dining hall meal? Anything you’ve craved from home?
What’s one moment from this semester that you don’t want to forget?
What would the person who we dropped off at college find surprising of the person you are at the end of the semester?
Do you have anything in the spring semester you’re excited/nervous/happy about? Anything you’ll miss of Fall?
Is there anything about home that feels different to you now?
What surprised you the most about being on your own?
Who is someone on campus who made your semester better?
Is there anything you wish I understood better about college life right now?
What are you most looking forward to doing over break (big or small)?
There are surely requirements to take care of over the winter break (i.e. dental cleanings, license or passport updates, etc.), but it’s important not to overwhelm them. Students need time to regroup and the support to do so. What may seem like laziness at first is often just decompression. They need space and time to plan for their own physical and social health, unplug from need to continually be absorbing new information and the ability to take time to plan ahead. Should there be difficult feelings, having the space to explore these and permission that “all the feels” are OK is important, too. Discussing their needs and desires as well as your own will be a delicate dance to learn but with communication, the steps become easier!
“My Kid Has Changed!”
Yes—quite possible. The wide-eyed freshman you dropped off in August may feel worldly and mature now. They may also be overwhelmed by everything they’re balancing. They may have been exposed to new ways of thinking, worshipping, dressing, or even speaking (those Southern twangs are catchy)!
College not only forces students to think critically in the classroom but also exposes them to thousands of new people with their own backgrounds and experiences. They’re making their own decisions and footprints in their journey. These footprints may vary a bit from your own. Challenge yourself not to rebut or minimize their newfound self, and remember that college is a time of change. The student standing in front of you today is surely not the final version of who you’ll see in May or at graduation. Celebrate the journey and consider the acronym THINK before your speak your opinion about a student’s changes. (THINK = Thoughtful, Helpful, Intelligent, Needed and Kind. And, yes, it needs to be all 5 of those!)
The holidays and winter break may feel more complete with everyone under the same roof but may also feel different or have moments of stress as families grow and shift right alongside the students themselves. Give yourself grace—college is not only about the student’s growth, but yours as a parent as well.
Happy holidays!