Running a Race I Didn’t Know I Signed Up for: A Love Letter to Stepparents
By Lesley Cross, MA, LPCC-S
I’m writing this from my perspective as a stepmom, but I know many of the themes and emotions resonate just as deeply with stepdads. Please feel free to read this through the lens of a stepfather as well.
When I became a biological mom, I knew I was signing up for a marathon. A long, gritty, beautiful 26.2-mile journey. I knew I was not in it for a sprint, not a quick jog, but a lifelong race.
I trained for it emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually. I read the books, stretched my heart, prepared for hills I couldn’t predict, and stocked the snacks. I didn’t know what each mile marker would bring, but I knew I was committed to the course. I learned to run on no sleep, to push through mile after mile that motherhood has delivered.
There were early miles of potty training and sleepless nights. Middle miles filled with homework battles, friend drama, hormones, heartbreak, and late-night talks. Yet through it all there were so many beautiful miles of joyful car rides, inside jokes, sideline cheering, shared victories, shared tears, travel, laughter, sleepovers, shared experiences, small hands slipping into mine, shared looks that said ‘I get you,’ laughter around dinner tables, celebrations big and small, the comfort of routine, the honesty of late-night talks, college preparations, dances, shows, concerts, game nights, and all the thousand tiny gestures that are such wonderful moments of the journey.
I signed up for that marathon. I trained for it. And I ran (and continue to run) each mile with everything I had and have. I love this marathon!
Then, I became a stepmom and discovered I was on a different course.
When I became a stepmom, I thought I understood the terrain. I stretched my heart wider, laced up again, and stepped confidently to the starting line. I assumed I was adding more loved children to the same marathon I already knew how to run. I knew the fatigue, the joy, and have the endurance to love kids through it all. I was ready!
But almost immediately, I learned I wasn’t on the marathon course at all. Someone handed me a one-mile fun-run bib.
Wait - what?
But I’ve trained. I know how to support kids through the miles! I have wisdom, experience, and love to offer. And yet, the unspoken message was clear: that isn’t my race to run and these miles aren’t mine to have.
Instead this race came with its own instruction manual:
Love them, but don’t parent too much. Be present, but not too present. Support them, but don’t have strong opinions. Show up, but stay outside the biological circle. Support but be silent when decisions are made.
I was expected to bring marathon-level commitment to a one-mile loop. And that contradiction? It is disheartening, isolating, confusing, frustrating, and sometimes deeply painful. It is lonely to be the parent expected to care fully while simultaneously being treated as optional. It is painful to stay silent at the very miles you trained for. It is heartbreaking to know what’s ahead and to feel the urge to present “hey at mile 14 I see this coming up…” or have the desire to have agency to create memories, traditions, or guidance purely out of love and be told:
“That’s not your call.”
“We’ll handle that between the biological parents.”
“Stay in your lane.”
Not because stepparents want control. Not because they intend to replace anyone. But because they genuinely love these kids and want to support the family. We have wisdom, insight and compassion that could help, but so often the stepparent feels they have to swallow it.
Stepparents are asked to:
open their hearts fully
show up even when it’s complicated
offer stability and patience
care deeply without always being validated
contribute without overstepping
love children who may feel torn between homes
We are invited into the family… yet reminded we are not fully of it. And yet we continue to run.
Because so much of a stepmom’s or stepdad’s role is invisible, the tiny wins are everything:
a returned text feels like a medal
a stepchild starting a conversation feels like mile 10 with a tailwind
a genuine smile feels like a PR
being included in a joke is a mile you’ll never forget
not feeling like an outsider, even for a moment, feels like a victory
These are the quiet victories that remind stepparents that love is taking root, even if slowly.
Having lived this personally, I understand the marathon and the one-mile loop. Being a counselor (and having sought counseling for my own blended family!) I am acutely aware that traditional counseling often misses the mark of what blended families need.
Most counseling models are built for nuclear families where shared history exists and roles, authority, boundaries, and loyalties are clear. Nuclear families don’t have to deal with the invisible fences of biological relationships. But blended families have our own architecture.
Stepparents navigate:
loyalty conflicts
divided caregiving roles
undefined or limited authority
parenting-style clashes and conflicting parenting structures
past family grief and transitions
emotional landmines
children who fear loving a stepparent means betraying another parent
partners trying to balance everyone’s needs
Most counseling approaches are not designed to handle these unique challenges. They sometimes over empower stepparents or completely sidelines them. Neither is the actual course the blended family is running. Stepparents don’t need to be the lead runner. But they deserve a spot on the course.
Despite the complexities, blended families can thrive—beautifully.
When communication is open, boundaries are respected, loyalty binds are understood, and each adult has room to contribute, blended families can develop new traditions, rituals of their own, trust and a sense of “us”. The blended family is not a replica or a replacement for a nuclear family but instead something unique, intentional and strong in itself. A blended family can be seen as additive to a child’s life, not competitive to their former nuclear family.
Again, as a counselor and blended family member, I am passionate that blended families deserve counseling models built for their reality, not outdated nuclear-family frameworks.
That’s why I’m conducting my doctoral degree dissertation study on healthy blended-family dynamics and effective counseling practices. My research will include stories and experiences from stepparents, biological parents, stepchildren and siblings. Basically, I want to hear from the blended family members. This research will help me to combine voices and stories to identify what truly works in blended family counseling, create tools and recommendations for programs to improve counselor training and to guide therapists to better serve blended families in their case load.
If you’re willing to share your experiences, the messy, the meaningful, the beautiful, the complicated, I would be honored to include your voice.
Your miles matter. Your insight matters. Your story can help reshape how counselors support blended families.
Contact me at bridgescounselingohio@gmail.com. (Every story is treated with confidentiality and deep gratitude.)
To Every Stepparent Reading This:
I see your strength. I see your effort. I see the quiet courage it takes to love in a role that is both vital and invisible. You may not have been handed the marathon bib you trained for but you are still running a far more meaningful race than anyone realizes.
You’re a builder. A nurturer. A steady presence. A long-distance runner whose miles matter. Thank you for showing up to the starting line, and for staying. I know it’s not always easy! You are a marathoner, whether the world sees your bib or not.