The Completed Marriage
by Lesley A. Cross, MA, LPCC-S
Worthington Office, working with adults & couples
Separation.
Divorce.
Both are words typically creating hurt, fear, anger and if we’re honest, likely judgement. However, they don’t have to be. The reaction we have to others as well as ourselves as we face marital struggle is a choice. It doesn’t have to be a negative one. It doesn’t have to hang over us for years. It can be a choice we make in how we respond to the situation.
As I write this, I feel both empowered and scared to share as it’s a vulnerable position to be in. Being a counselor often comes with the belief and expectation that I somehow have everything in my own life perfected and know every answer. I wish I could confirm that. However, I’m human and walk many of the same paths my clients experience. Today, I share one of those. I had a great relationship and marriage for 21 years. And now I have a friendship with my ex-husband. Yes, that marriage ended in divorce (technically, a dissolution).
Typically counselors keep “our stuff” to ourselves, but I decided to share this to encourage those in the trenches of the possible end that I’ve been there. I know your pain, anger, fear, disappointment, concern and uncertainty. They’re not trenches anyone enjoys, but having waded through them myself, I know you don’t have to stay in those trenches and more so, they don’t have to define your past and certainly not your future.
When I shared that my marriage was ending, one person in my inner circle responded “Well, this will suck for the next 20 years”. While it wasn’t the response I was expecting, it helped to fuel me in a direction of ownership, acceptance and intentional response to the end of my marriage. I knew I had the ability to control the narrative and not give up my future to the trauma.
That being said, was the process of divorce fun? Not at all.
Easy? Nope. It hurt in ways I didn’t know possible.
Did it “suck” at times? Absolutely.
Did I want to stay in that painful emotional space a second longer than needed? Not a chance.
So, despite the sometimes overwhelming pain and extreme difficulty associated with divorce, I chose to work toward a positive mindset of closure. I chose to seek my own counseling, for my ex-husband and I to speak candidly with our children and to work together to create the best lives for them and for ourselves going forward. I chose to see the positives in my new normal.
I woke one morning, alone in my now half empty newly single bed, with the very clear statement running through my head, “OK self, you lost your marriage. But maybe you found yourself. It’s time to do this.” I made the choice that day for closure. I wasn’t going to have all the answers. I didn’t need to dissect the past. I knew I had gratitude for what was. I had memories, photos, and a great deal of past joy that was experienced and will forever be a part of my history. I’m grateful for all of that. But I knew, my marriage was completed.
To reiterate, I don’t believe my marriage failed. It was completed. In my marriage, we ran a great race with one another and created a great deal of personal, family, community and professional success together. We grew up together in so many ways. There is a great deal of gratitude for what was created together for 2+ decades. And that’s now completed. We did what we were able to accomplish with one another. More time was not going to allow us to accomplish more. We weren’t going to run another great lap–despite how much effort we put into it. We wanted different things. The marriage laps were finished. We needed to stop running in that lane. And so we did.
However, we didn’t just stop running together. We stopped running in the same marriage lane and switched into a friendship lane. Yes, that’s possible. Was this easy? No. Were there days I feared the future would be filled with silence or bitterness between us? Yes. Did that sometimes feel better? Sadly, yes. But choosing closure allowed me the opportunity to leave behind the negative emotions associated with divorce and pick up the positives. I didn’t want this experience to define me or have control over my future. Divorce doesn’t have to suck for the next 20 years. It’s a part of my history, factually something I’ve experienced, but not something I will allow to define how I live.
As I work with counseling, Columbus, Ohio, clients I see some entering the trenches and some stuck in them. I want you to know I get it. I empathize with you. I know much of what you’re feeling. And while it hurts now, I’m honored to help you get out of them because I know first-hand how much better it can be on the other side.
Offering marriage counseling Worthington, Ohio, and Marysville, Ohio.